OBT Magazine

What are the things your friends and family never told you about life as a Working Parent? Kristin Maschka, the past president and national spokesperson for Mothers & More, answers that question while addressing the myths and traditions associated with motherhood, parenting, and work in her new book, This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood To Get The Lives We Want Today (Berkley Trade). She spoke to me about her revelations as a working mom.

The title of your new book is “This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be...” which begs the question: How did you envision motherhood?
The title is literally what I found myself saying or thinking to myself over and over after we had our daughter! This is NOT how I thought it would be.

Like many mothers I found there was a big disconnect between the way I thought motherhood in the 21st century would be and the way it turned out to be. My modern egalitarian marriage turned into something out of "Ozzie and Harriet" or "Leave it to Beaver."

My previously successful career literally came to an abrupt and unexpected halt, which meant I lost colleagues, a paycheck, a big part of my identity. While I kept my name when I got married, when we had our daughter I suddenly lost it and became "Kate's mom."

Frankly nothing was how I thought it would be and no one seemed to be able to tell me why or what to do about it. So I wrote This is Not How I Thought It Would Be to explain what I learned about why that happens and to provide mothers with the simple tools they need to remodel motherhood to get the lives they want today.

Who is the “happiest” working mom you know? Why? And who is the “happiest” working dad?
What makes any employed mother or employed father happy is being able to find an employment situation that fits his or her own needs and the needs of their family, and that can be reasonably adapted as things change. Unfortunately, that's harder than it should be.

Jobs and workplace culture still reflect an old assumption that a worker is a man with a wife at home, leaving both mothers and fathers today feeling like square pegs trying to fit into a round hole.

How can our employers help us be better parents?
I think employers can help us be better parents, lead better lives AND be more productive by confronting the reality that one-size-fits-all jobs just don't work anymore for mothers or fathers.

Given the convergence of several trends - colleges graduating more women than men, the retirement of the Baby Boomers, and an increasing high school drop-out rate - employers and our economy will eventually face a labor shortage again. Those companies that figure out how to customize jobs, for example like Deloitte does , will be better positioned to attract and keep good employees.

What was your most eye-opening “remodeling” experience as a parent?
My most eye-opening moment, and a turning point in my remodeling project, was realizing that perhaps the biggest barrier to having the life I wanted was that my husband couldn't figure out how to get the life he wanted either. Remodeling is a project mothers and fathers have to tackle together.

While many of the dilemmas mothers face combining employment and family haven’t changed much in the last twenty-five years, research tells us that the experience of fathers – and mothers’ expectations of fathers – has changed dramatically in that same time. Fathers are doing more family work than ever and feeling more conflict between family and employment than ever. We really are more in the same boat that we often realize.

The Families & Work Institute just published a study that shows the recession is taking a terrible toll on workers—1 in 3 is showing signs of depression, 1 in 4 smoke, and most don’t exercise or take enough vacation time. Any tips for these stressed-out Working Parents on “remodeling” their mental and physical state while staying employed?
It is important to remember that managing your energy is more important than managing your time. A great tip from some friends of mine. Have each spouse make a list of three things he or she needs each week to stay sane and energized. Trade lists and work together to figure out how to make at least one or more of those happen for each other.

For the couple who gave me this tip, she wanted to sleep in one weekend morning, and he wanted one chance each week to workout for as long as he wanted. Mothers and fathers need to look at time as a shared family resource and plan together for investing that time to keep everyone healthy mentally and physically.

For more about Kristin, check out her blog.